Chasing the Freedom Feeling

            As I approach the end of college career, I find myself reflecting on the opportunities I have and the think I can see leaving my artistic freedom handbag as I enter the 'real' world.  My studies have shaped my artistic desires as well as my craft.  Currently, I feel at my artistic pinnacle of vulnerability as I explore performance art and the artistic event, but I am conflicted by the possible lack of freedom in my current art iteration aspiration.  I do not feel confident in my university to allow these expressive actions to take place without discipline.  I also feel that I will loose a lot of self discovery if I try to overdevelop my idea instead of allowing my mind flow free and experience a live artwork in person for the first time with the audience.  I am describing this as artistically expressing my brain fart and allowing it to iterate as I being to feel emotion.    

            In my first performance, Emotional Stages of Life, the most fascinating thing to me was the meaning, subjects, and concepts that I discovered as the performance was happening and the unknowing of my subconscious.  However, I had little room for my own artistic reflection post performance.  The dancers (who are artists themselves in this work and were absolutely fantastic!) told me their opinions of how freeing it was to feel these dance moves overcome their bodies and allowing this artistic expression to overtake in the silent moments. 

            I want this feeling.  

            Throughout my art studies, I have found that I am expressing my feelings in hopes to better understand those feelings.  These vague feeling come from the fact that I am a broken human trying to find self purpose and meaning in a broken world.  I have never found myself wanting to chase a feeling that is being withheld from me though. 

            This new feeling is so powerful for me because it is saying a lot about my desires and my outlook on the current world I am in. 

            When researching performance art, I have joked with my professors that I need to something in the nude.  They have said, "nude performance art has been so overdone."  Understanding performance more now, all I find myself wanting to understand is why I want to do something in the nude.  What am I missing out on?  Is it this feeling of free expression I am chasing?    

            I do not want to think further about my own reaction to my idea, but all I know is that I will be doing a public nude performance so I can chase this freedom feeling.


Benjamin Delano